Would you rather have a football-shaped head and a sick bedroom or a regular head and a mediocre bedroom?
Drake & Josh, I’mma let you finish, but my boy Hey Arnold had the tightest bedroom of ALL TIME.
Little dude might have had a miserable time, but at least he got to go home to a sweet attic pad every night and fall asleep under the stars.
No other television bedroom has ever come close to Arnold’s, not even Downton Abbey’s efforts or Muffy Crosswire on Arthur.
Arnold wins. Behold the proof (with some help from an incredible 3D tour video I found on YouTube).
1. Arnold’s room was IN THE ATTIC
To access his bedroom, Arnold had to pull a chain to release the stairs. That is some next-level Kevin McAllister Home Alone wet dream content. Arnold was a sociable guy, but his room was an entire floor above the rest of his family, meaning he had the ultimate escape from reality. Nobody immediately close to you ever has the attic room, it’s always a friend of a friend or a second cousin. They act like it’s no big deal, but it’s huge. Arnold basically had his own apartment, certainly looking back on it now during this economic climate. The coolest people in life were all born from attic bedrooms. They’ve a more clarified sense of self, they exude chill. They are better than downstairs box room bunkbed losers.
2. Arnold had a WATER COOLER in his bedroom
An item that’s usually reserved for offices, waiting rooms and fancy clothes shops was in Arnold’s bedroom, seemingly for no other reason than ease of hydration. It pales in comparison to some of the other things Arnold’s room had on offer, but starts proceedings in this particular list quite nicely. Think back to your childhood bedroom. Would a water cooler have made it more fun? The answer is yes. You could’ve put Ribena in there, experimented with different drinking vessels, maybe even added a goldfish when your parents weren’t around to tell you off. Arnold didn’t need a water cooler, his bulging football-shaped head proved that hydration was low on his list of urgent medical needs, but he still had one, and it was sick as hell.
3. Arnold had ACTUAL STEPS leading up to his bed
Talk about entering another dimension at bedtime by having to climb two entire steps up to your mattress. This may seem like an insignificant detail when you’ve got access to the entire roof of your house via your bedroom, but it’s still huge. Steps up to your bed means extravagance. It’s a throwback to the tale of The Princess And The Pea, where her royalty was established due to her ability to feel the presence of a solitary pea beneath the weight of 20 mattresses. The bed was piled so high, she had to use a ladder to get up there. Two steps up to your bed means you are immeasurably better than everyone else. Those are the rules.
4. The storage shelves were built INTO THE H*CKIN WALL
Has a more futuristic sight ever been seen than in Hey Arnold between the years of 1996-2004? Probably, yes, but this was fly as hell. Not only did Arnold miraculously keep his room in tight shape hygiene-wise, he also managed to keep his belongings in whatever the opposite of rag order is. Books, cacti, little figurines, comic books, even two television sets neatly rested in the walls of his boudoir. The child was nine years old, but somehow kitted out his pad with extensive literature and in a suspiciously neat fashion. Think about the wonky shelf your Dad put up in your childhood room. Was it neat? Was it something to be proud of? Did you ever dust it? Get out of my sight.
5. He had an alarm clock which was a miniature version OF HIMSELF
In the ultimate act of narcissism, Arnold had an alarm clock which comprised of a tiny model version of himself. What better way to rise from your slumber than with a smaller version of yourself screaming at you to get your lazy ass out of bed. The most bizarre looking cartoon child around showed what acceptance truly looked like by embracing his obscenely shaped head and staring straight at it first thing every morning at his most vulnerable moment – waking up. In a world full of hatred and despair, be the narcissistic football-shaped head child you wish to see.
6. Arnold had A WHOLE COMPUTER to himself, unsupervised
A nine-year-old had a computer alone in his bedroom because nobody thought to do otherwise, basically. Arnold could play Solitaire, browse the full extent of his Encarta CD-ROMs and patiently await the invention of broadband right from the comfort of his sick ass bedroom. This was living, especially at a time when MP3 players held precisely four songs and the battery lasted until a third of the way through the final song. Arnold was a spoiled brat, meanwhile the rest of us had a designated computer room and got to use it for ten minutes at a time while we waited for the technological world to catch up with our ambitions.
7. His couch opened out VIA REMOTE CONTROL
Think of all the capabilities that remote controls have. They can change television channels, turn air conditioning on and off and in the fictional world of Hey Arnold, they can eject a spring-loaded couch into a bedroom at the behest of a nine-year-old. One time Arnold flipped that couch open and his friend Gerald was lying flat on it scanning through a magazine. It defied gravity, logic and the spatial capabilities of a standard attic, but it was also the most incredible thing and we all needed it in our shitty bedrooms. If we were lucky, some of us had a kitchen chair left over from the old dining set, which contained a pile of clothes and an array of teddy bears. MAN HAD A COUCH.
8. The! Roof! Was! Made! Of! Glass!
The main selling point of Arnold’s bedroom was undeniably the roof, or lack thereof. Football Head got to fall asleep under the stars every night and wake up at the brink of sunrise. Sure, it would’ve meant waking as early as 4am during the summer months, but practicality simply doesn’t exist in the cartoon universe. Add to that, Arnold could climb the wall-mounted stairs up to the skylights and then go for a wander around the roof of his house. It set an unachievable standard of living for children across the world and founded many arguments with parents involving the borderline child abuse conditions we were all subjected to, whereby we had shelter and love and warmth, but precisely zero access to the roof of the house. Arnold was a king. We stan a football-headed spoiled legend.